By now, everyone in the world has probably heard of the crack smoking mayor of Toronto. Like a Chris Farley skit from Saturday Night Live, Rob Ford has tumbled into our lives with a plume of fury and fresh crack smoke. Over the last few weeks, we have seen a man literally self-destruct and the runaway train hasn’t even come close to a screeching halt – it keeps going and going. However, many people don’t know the real reason why Rob Ford is self-destructing. According to a new report, the reason for Rob Ford’s glittering disintegration is a severe undiagnosed case of sleep apnea.
The doctors who released the study say that Rob Ford could easily sign up for Easy Breathe’s convenient home sleep test instead of risking another run in with a reporter at a sleep test facility.
The son of a heaping fortune – his family owns a multi-national label printing business that brought in a heaping 100 million dollars last year – Rob Ford has grown up in an environment where food was never in short supply. According to insider sources, Ford’s childhood home had a full-time poutine chef – a chef that only made poutine, which is a traditional Canadian dish that is made with french fries topped with a thick gravy-like sauce and cheese curds. So, you can imagine not only why Rob Ford is so overweight, but also why he is so ridiculous unhealthy – smoking crack hasn’t helped his health either.
The report, which was compiled by a group of doctors that actually jumped mayor Ford’s personal physician in a Toronto alleyway, illustrates a panoply of hidden health conditions. For instance, in 2012, Ford was hospitalized twice for asthma, which is a telltale sign that he most likely has sleep apnea. In the past, he has had surgeries for kidney stones – another sign that undiagnosed obstructive sleep apnea may be to blame for his entire downfall – even his crack smoking. Yet, Rob Ford’s problems didn’t come out of nowhere.
Rob Ford’s slow decent started in 2010, when he was arrested in Miami for smoking pot and driving intoxicated – all while he was hot in the middle of a political campaign to grab the title of mayor of Toronto. Two months after he was arrested, he won the mayoral seat. While in office, Mayor Ford actually did a lot of good for the city, like cut taxes and privatized garbage collection to spur economic growth. While in office, the first signs that something was wrong came with a conflict of interest inquiry involving ill-gotten charity donations. After that, he was accused of lunging at a reporter. Soon enough, the snowball started getting bigger and bigger, and the final carrot for a nose was his admission that he smoked crack.
So, could all of Ford’s problems be blamed on his undiagnosed sleep apnea? Could Rob Ford turn his life around with regular and dedicated CPAP treatment? Immediately after news that a video had surfaced that purportedly featured Rob Ford smoking crack, his approval rating shot up by five percent, which means there is still hope for him yet. The doctors who released the study say that Rob Ford could easily sign up for Easy Breathe’s convenient home sleep test instead of risking another run in with a reporter at a sleep test facility. With Easy Breathe’s Easy Sleep Apnea Test Package, Rob Ford could test himself for obstructive sleep apnea at home and then have a licensed physician privately evaluate the results. With CPAP treatment, there could be a chance that one day Rob Ford could regain people’s trust – either that or he could join the cast of the third installment of Tommy Boy.
- Merritt, Shaun. 2010. Rob Ford with Puppet.
- McGrath, John Michael. 2011. Rob Ford at Rosh Hashanah.
- Merritt, Shaun. 2010. Rob Ford with Team.
*This is satirical content created for fun and your enjoyment.